How To Embrace Your Unapologetic Self!

Do you remember when you were little and you did something you weren’t supposed to? Remember how your mom or dad would only let you play again after you said, “sorry”? Maybe you accidentally dropped something, and you had to say “sorry.” Or you said something that seemed perfectly normal to you, but not in your parents’ eyes… Guess what you had to say to make everything “better.” SORRY.

The Complexity of Saying “Sorry

Saying “sorry” can take on many forms. It can have different meanings, and we use it for various purposes. In other words, “sorry” has become a complex word. At its core, we learn as children that saying “sorry” can repair the damage of whatever happened before the “sorry.”

In reality, it’s an easy way to avoid showing your true feelings on both sides. Something happens that one party doesn’t like, and the other party must say sorry to make it right again. The reasons the first party didn’t like it are often superficial chatter. To have a real open conversation is hard, and it takes time. And let’s be honest; we don’t want to extend that olive branch, yet we expect to come home with the gold. How does that work?

Unspoken Issues in Relationships

People almost never fight over what they’re actually fighting about. It’s easier to fight over who’s taking out the trash than to discuss why John can’t let Mary be who she is, and why Mary can’t acknowledge John in the relationship. These, in my life, are some of the most common underlying themes. One person doesn’t allow the other to be themselves, and the other feels unseen.

One common way this often gets resolved is by saying sorry. The problem gets swept under the rug, and everyone lives in a memory from the past. Because saying sorry fixes everything, right? That’s how you learned it… but this doesn’t add up, does it? I call it “patching up and holding on” until the pain becomes too much, and one of them decides not to continue.

Apologizing to Yourself

And this doesn’t just happen in personal relationships; it’s a fascinating topic even in your relationship with yourself. Let me ask you a question: how often do you say sorry? Think about it and be honest. How often do you apologize for your behavior in simple, non-confrontational interactions? For example, the times you didn’t hold the door open for the person behind you or when you set your coffee cup down a bit too loudly on the counter. Or the times you asked someone an open question and then immediately changed your mind because you suddenly felt embarrassed, not wanting to seem nosy. What truly happens each time you adjust your behavior in the moment with a “sorry”…

In essence, you’re constantly doubting your own behavior. You do something, and in a split second, you second-guess if it’s the right behavior, and you say sorry before anyone can give you feedback. Interesting, right? You ensure there’s no discussion with the other person. You do this whole behavior sequence by yourself. The other person isn’t involved. You’re hiding, just in case an argument might arise at some point. But if you’re constantly hiding from life, you’re missing out on all the fun!

Now, you might think this doesn’t apply to you because you don’t say sorry, thinking it will lead to an argument. But ask yourself, why do you say it then? Are you apologizing because you were afraid you might enjoy the situation?

Daring to Be Yourself

Not daring to be yourself and reveal your true self means people won’t understand who you are and how to interact with you. You can’t build deep connections with people if you’re always hiding. That makes sense, right? Plus, it costs you personal energy every time you say sorry. And it’s not just energy. Every time you say sorry, you’re essentially saying you’ve behaved “inadequately” and apologizing for it. But if you find three times a day that you’ve acted “inadequately,” you’re sending three rounds of negative thoughts to yourself and the world. After a while, you start to feel insecure, like you’re wandering, and this affects your relationships, work, or sports.

That’s probably not what you want. That’s why I have the following exercise for you. And if you’re reading this, you must be willing to try it. Put some effort in, and see what you get in return.

The “Sorry” Challenge

For one week, keep track of every time you say “sorry” in your phone’s notes, for example. Try not to change your behavior, but simply observe yourself. After each “sorry,” note the situation in your notes. Write down how you felt at that moment and what you were thinking before saying “sorry.” That’s it.

Record only the “how” and “what” and leave out the “why.” There’s a good chance you already want to fully understand everything and do it right for the world. But that means the process never gets the right attention. You’re not consciously observing your behavior because you want to adjust it right away the next time. You’re already apologizing to yourself for your own behavior, right here. This is your pattern. It’s what you do. It’s what you know. But it’s not scary. But it doesn’t work if you want to lead a relaxed and happy life.

I challenge you to observe your “sorry” for a week, and I look forward to your findings. Feel free to share them with me by email or on Instagram @caroliene_alexandra. It’ll also give me some new insights. I’ll be looking forward to it!